shalom bayis – RabbiKaganoff.com

Advice Line #2

Question:

My husband keeps shooting himself in the leg at every job he gets. He comes in late, leaves exactly on time no matter how hectic things are in the office, and generally seems lazy when it comes to his jobs. Then he’s surprised when he’s the first to get laid off. He was recently fired from yet another job. Is there any way I can motivate him to change, or point out what’s going on, without destroying his fragile ego?

Rabbi Yirmiyohu Kaganoff:

Anything you try to do to change your husband will just lead to more frustration and cause shalom bayis difficulties. He undoubtedly knows the problem, but a person will only change if and when he wants to. Your nudging him will not motivate him. You are probably doing a reasonable amount of nudging without even realizing it and we can assume it’s taking its toll.

The one thing you can do is try to build your husband up with positive motivation and compliments. Help him feel better about himself. Find excuses to compliment him in a sincere way, specifically on the rare occasion when he shows initiative.

Although when he is unemployed one cannot compliment him for his bringing home income, I often find it surprising that women expect their husbands to compliment them for preparing supper, but a woman does not find it necessary to thank her husband for going to work. One cannot emphasize more how much it does for a man’s ego to be complimented for earning a living and going to work, particularly when it is a struggle for him to do so.

Question:

I’m almost twenty-one years old but have not yet started dating since I have an older sister who is still in shidduchim. My parents want me to start dating already, but I don’t want to. My sister also says I shouldn’t wait for her, but I disagree. I can’t picture myself as a kalla, getting married before her. I don’t want that to happen! And once I start dating it may happen. What should I do?

Rabbi Yirmiyohu Kaganoff:

I believe you should start dating. The bottom line is that, while it’s wonderful to care for your sister’s feelings, it is not easy for a girl to find a shidduch in today’s world, and there’s no need to make it any more difficult for yourself.

The harsh reality is that your sister is not yet married, but that’s no reason to prevent you from getting married. This is particularly the case when no one else in your family seems to mind; in fact, they are encouraging you to date. It’s misplaced to worry so much about your sister’s feelings that you put your own future in jeopardy.

However, I must point out that if you are very resistant to the idea of dating, it may make the process quite difficult. If you find that you continue to struggle with feelings of ambivalence and guilt, it would be best to seek out a rebbetzin, therapist, or life coach who can help you work through these feeling.

May you and your sister both find your zivugim b’karov.

Question:

I work in a large marketing company where nearly all the employees are frum. The staff meets once a week to discuss ideas and proposals. Once a month, that meeting includes the CEO, and all ideas are finalized. Numerous times, my immediate supervisor has presented my ideas as her own. This is very detrimental to me because the possibility of a promotion is to a certain extent based on the proposal of original ideas. Her stealing my ideas is hampering my growth in the company. It’s difficult for me to say anything to my supervisor because I will be risking her wrath, and she is the darling of the CEO precisely because he thinks she is very creative. When I once broached the subject, she said I was imagining things and that the ideas were really hers. What can I do?

R’ Yirmiyohu Kaganoff:

The specific situation you are presenting is a bit unusual, because it is uncommon for a frum person who is psychologically healthy to say an outright lie to a listener who knows he is lying. Thus, there is either a major misunderstanding, something difficult to explain when this has happened repeatedly, or, more likely, one of the two parties suffers from a psychological handicap. Since we do not know which party is having this difficulty, it is hard for me to advise you.

Assuming, however, that you are indeed the party being wronged here, and you’ve repeatedly discerned this type of unhealthy behavior in your immediate superior, you have an obligation to report this to the “big boss.” The reason here is simple: Halacha requires us to protect someone else’s money, and having either an unstable or dishonest employee could cause your boss long-term financial harm.

You should make a discreet appointment with the big boss and explain only what you have observed, without any added interpretation or exaggeration. It is a good idea to review the relevant parts of Sefer Chofetz Chaim before the meeting and think through carefully exactly what you may say and how you will say it. Make it clear to the big boss that you are only meeting because of concern for his interests. Indeed, it is strictly prohibited to talk to him because you are angry at your immediate supervisor and want to get even.

Question:

My mother-in-law and I have an excellent, warm relationship. However, there is one area of conflict, which, although it doesn’t damage the quality of our relationship, causes her anxiety and me irritation. The issue is chasunah attendance. My mother-in-law’s father is one of many siblings, and they are currently marrying off their grandchildren. I see no need to kill my precious nights – work time (I work at home), housework, and much needed sleep – to attend a stranger’s chasunah just because they are my mother-in-law’s uncle’s grandchild. To satisfy my mother-in-law’s feelings, and to show that I’m not rebelling against her family’s norms (as she claims I am), I go 2-3 times a year to a chassunah when it works out for me. When I do attend, I don’t know most people there, and don’t feel my presence appreciated enough for me to have killed a night. My mother-in-law feels that my attitude is wrong. She says if I would go to the chasunahs I would develop a relationship with her cousins and my second cousins, and they wouldn’t be strangers. I feel that I don’t have the emotional resources to have a relationship with so many people, to the extent that I’d attend their simchos. My mother-in-law agreed that I present this issue to you. Please advise.

Rabbi Yirmiyohu Kaganoff:

You seem to be asking whether you are obligated to acquiesce to your mother-in-law’s request. In response, I’d like to start by briefly reviewing the halachos of kibud av va’em. You do have an obligation of kibud av v’em towards your husband’s parents, although not on the same level as your obligation towards your own parents or your husband.

However, the mitzvah includes only two components – kibud and moreh. Kibud encompasses ensuring that your in-laws have their physical needs met. This involves providing them with food if needed, bringing them a drink if requested, taking care of their medical needs if relevant, and so on. Moreh requires you to show them respect by not contradicting them, not sitting in their set places, etc.

In the situation you describe, I don’t see how either kibud or moreh comes into play. One can claim that since your mother-in-law is insisting so strongly on this, there’s an element of moreh. However, that is only a result of her feeling so strongly that she insists on it, to the extent that your refusal is rude. Her position, even under these circumstances, is by no means obvious.

If you are like most frum women today, between caring for a large household, supplementing the family income, and taking care of all your other responsibilities, you are juggling the equivalent of two full-time jobs. It seems unfair for your mother-in-law to pile even more on your already overburdened shoulders. Women today are already far too stressed, and need to spend more, not less, time with their families. Encroaching on that time for the sake of fairly distant relatives is not a wise move.

I don’t know where you live. If you live in a city where it’s acceptable to merely show up, say mazel tov, and leave, and if your mother-in-law would be happy with that arrangement, perhaps you could do that on occasion. But I wouldn’t advocate any more than that.

Question:

I’m a sheitel macher, and recently opened up my own business. There’s a problem I keep running into – relatives and good friends often assume that I will either do their sheitels entirely for free, or give them a steep discount. In addition, they often expect priority, and that I should do their sheitels before others that came earlier. I’m trying hard to establish myself, and my prices are already on the low end. Every discount impacts my parnassah. And when I push one job before another, it can hurt my reputation with the woman who now has to wait longer. I’ve tried to explain all this, but from the cool responses I’ve received, I realize that friends and relatives perceive me as mercenary and callous. What can I do?

Rabbi Yirmiyohu Kaganoff:

As a rav, I’m going to approach this question from a halachic perspective, and leave the emotional issues involved to the other respondents.

It looks like your family members are unaware of the difficult predicament in which they are putting you. Their approach to utilizing your services is misguided. Just as we are told in hilchos tzedakah that relatives take precedence over someone not related, so, too, assuming that the quality of work is identical, we should bring our business to a relative before someone else. This is not for our personal benefit so that we can get a price break; it’s so we can perform the highest level of tzedaka – that of helping someone become self-sufficient.

It seems like your friends and relatives are acting in self-interest, not halachic interest. They are probably not aware that their actions can sabotage your nascent business. You’re trying to be responsible, build a client base, and earn a good reputation; giving their sheitels priority over those that came in earlier jeopardizes all that. In addition, as you may know, businesses that fail usually do so early. This is a critical period for you and cutting into your profits at this time is not wise.

I’m not saying that it’s wrong to give a break to a friend or a relative – but that’s a gesture you can only offer once you’ve established yourself and are on secure financial footing. Your primary responsibility is to your immediate family, and supporting them has to be your first objective. Iy”H, once you are well-established you can certainly offer your family and friends discounts, but it will be because you can afford to and wish to, not because you feel pressured to do so.

Until then, it may help to discuss the issue with your local rav. Assuming that he also feels that giving discounts is incorrect at this time, you can then tell your friends and relatives that you were given a psak not to give discounts until your business is established. This will hopefully deflect the negative feedback you’ve been receiving and will perhaps prompt your relatives and friends to examine their actions through the eye of halacha.

Question:

We are a young married couple with one child and living in Eretz Yisrael. Both of our parents live in the States but about a 3-4 hour drive apart. As Pesach approaches and we made our plans to visit the US, it became clear that only one set of parents was willing to pay towards our tickets to come home. After taking this into account, we decided that we still wanted to go and would pay the other half ourselves. However, when deciding where to be over Yom Tov we are expected to split it evenly, although we feel that we should only be going to the family that paid for us to come, or at least spend most of the time with them. Please help.

Rabbi Yirmiyohu Kaganoff:

There are no obvious halachic guidelines for such an issue; it falls into the category of the “fifth Shulchan Aruch.” I’m therefore offering you my personal thoughts and judgment. One family is paying for half of your tickets; the other side is not contributing. It does seem fair that you should spend some more time with the side that is putting up money. However, there are mitigating factors that must be kept in mind:

Firstly, I’m assuming that the side that isn’t paying is not doing so because they are stingy but rather because they simply don’t have the resources. This brings up an important question: Should a family be penalized for not having the financial wherewithal that another family has been blessed with?

Secondly, if one side has more resources than the other side, it’s probable that they come to visit in Eretz Yisrael on occasion, while the financially-strapped family probably comes rarely, if at all. This means that if you don’t go visit them, you may never see them.

These factors indicate that you and your spouse need to sit down and have an open, honest conversation about the issue and reach a decision together. Although such discussions are not easy, realize that the making of a strong marriage comes through discussing sticky situations and working out issues.

Try to depersonalize the discussion and really focus on the points that the other person is making. Sometimes, it’s helpful for each of you to “plead” the other side. Let the spouse whose parents are paying enumerate why the Yom Tov should be split, and let the one whose parents aren’t able to chip in list the reasons the lion’s share should be spent by the parents who are paying. Doing this will help you get out of your own headspace and see another perspective. Keep speaking until you reach a decision that you’re both comfortable with. I wish you much hatzlacha.

Advice Line

I am sharing responses to people who asked me for advice.

Question:

We are a young couple living in E”Y. Over the past few years my younger brother has been learning here and we’ve gotten to know him quite well. Now he’s back in Lakewood and my mother is pursuing shidduchim for him. She told me she thinks he’s the catch of the century. She’s only looking for the best, smartest, most serious girl, and has narrowed her list to very specific seminaries and standards. The problem is that my husband and I know my brother pretty well by now, and he’s not a very serious learner. He’s a lovely boy, a great uncle to my kids, and a fun person to have around, but he definitely does not keep to his sedarim and would much rather sit on my couch and shmooze than go to the beis medrash. Should I tell my mother what I know about my brother? I can’t imagine that she’d believe me. Is there anything else I can do?

Rabbi Yirmiyohu Kaganoff answered:

It seems from your description that your brother would not be servicing Klal Yisrael or himself well by being a long-term, full-time learner. He should ideally be directing his kochos towards harbatzos Torah. You mention his love of children. He’d very possibly shine in chinuch (and I mean chinuch in the broad sense of harbatzos Torah, be it teaching, kiruv, or rabbanus) but he’s being forced into a mold that isn’t a good fit.

The burning question is who can direct this bachur and help him make these crucial life decisions? To address this, I’d need to know more about your family dynamics. Are his future plans heavily influenced by your parents? If they understand fully who he is, will they be able to direct him properly?

Your mother seems to view the world in a very black and white way (I don’t know if this is coming from a great appreciation of learning or from the pressure to have her son in a frum “Ivy League” environment). How would she react if your brother would choose to be a third-grade rebbe or an out-of-town high school teacher (possibly the way he can serve Hashem best)?

It also sounds like your mother is not easily influenced. Does she not take direction from anyone or will she just have a hard time listening to you because you’re her child and she doesn’t take you seriously? You haven’t mentioned your father. Where does he stand in this situation?

The last element to consider is the girls being redt to your brother. Today, a girl often feels that she can only be a good, frum girl if she marries a boy who is a full-time learner, with either she or her parents supporting him. The Torah is actually that, while a woman should enable and assist her husband and children to learn and should keep the atmosphere in the home Torahdik, she should not be supporting the family. That is the husband’s halachic responsibility.

These beliefs, in my opinion, are contributing to both the shidduch crisis and to shalom bayis issues. The bottom line is that there are far fewer boys capable of long-term learning than there are girls who want to marry them, and this mismatch causes shidduch problems. The desire to marry only a person in full-time learning, or to have a son like that, sometimes stems not from a place of idealism, but from gaavah. A girl should want a boy who is serious about his Yiddishkeit, but that doesn’t mean that he needs to be rosh yeshiva material.

Because the shidduch market is what it is, your mother may find the type of girl she wants for your brother, despite his true colors. If the girl’s family does proper research, they will no doubt find out the truth. However, the girl may still choose to marry him.

If he does date a girl who thinks he is what he is not, it’s not your responsibility to open her eyes. It’s her family’s job to research the aspects that are important to them. If the couple does get married and the girl is disappointed, she won’t be alone. Many girls are disappointed in the Torah level of their husband; at least this girl will be getting a solid ben Torah, and hopefully they will build a Torah true home together, whatever your brother chooses to do.

It’s hard for me to give a final response, because I don’t have sufficient information. The answer is dependent upon a few subtle points which you haven’t included. I do think you should try to clue your mother in to your brother’s true nature. It would be good for him if your mother knows where his strengths do and don’t lie; she can then direct him in the right way both in shidduchim and in life.

This may best be accomplished by speaking with your father, who perhaps can hear the truth more easily. You know your parents best, and will know what approach will be most likely to yield results.

Question:

I have a friend to whom I feel very close but who does not live nearby. From our phone conversations I get the sense that her husband has very unrealistic expectations of her. For example, a few days after she gave birth, she was serving hot breakfast to her father-in-law. Her husband leaves the house at 6:30 a.m. and comes home close to midnight, leaving her to take care of a houseful of small children, errands, shopping, cooking, cleaning — totally on her own. Now he wants her to take a job since money is tight. On hectic Friday afternoons he expects her to serve him lunch.

I don’t want to, chas v’shalom, interfere in her shalom bayis or threaten her marriage. However, I see that she has a submissive personality and does not assert herself. When she was serving breakfast days after giving birth, it wasn’t because her husband demanded it, but because she knew that he expected it; she didn’t think of saying no. When she was cooking and cleaning on Erev Shabbos with 102-degree fever, kids jumping all over, and husband nowhere in sight, it wasn’t because he was trying to be evil, but rather because she didn’t tell him that she needed help or that he should buy takeout. Should I encourage her to say no more often and assert herself? Should I point out that husbands should be helping more? Or should I just empathize and provide a listening ear?

Rabbi Yirmiyohu Kaganoff answered: This is a difficult question to answer since there are several core elements we do not know.

First, is the man clueless how to relate to his wife and as a result acts in a way that is grossly inconsiderate, or is he malicious, or is he something in between? Some men are completely unaware of how to deal with marriage and a wife. Often, when someone enlightens them, they are willing, and sometimes even happy, to work on change. On the other hand, some men have tendencies towards emotional abuse, and will never see themselves as being in the wrong.

The second important factor is how does your friend feel about this? Are her stories of what’s going on in her home a cry for help, or simply a description of what’s going on during the course of the day? Is she at a breaking point, or basically managing? Last, what would be the price of involvement? If you open up her eyes and help her realize the unjustness of the situation she is in, you will be opening a Pandora’s box that may be best left closed. Bringing her to realize how insensitive her husband is can jeopardize a marriage that, while not joyous, may be quite bearable and far preferable to divorce (which can certainly happen if she becomes unhappy enough).

I once heard from a gadol of the previous generation that if a couple is not arguing, even if we don’t think their marriage is good, we should not get involved. The exception, as I see it, is if abuse is taking place, since in most cases of abuse, there is no arguing taking place. This situation, however, is very gray. While it sounds very much like abuse, without more details, it’s hard to say that’s what is going on here.

Rather than bring the difficulty of the situation to her attention, I’d recommend that you find a way to have someone speak to the husband. Find someone he respects — a rebbi figure, a rav, a family member — and appraise them of what is going on; see if they can carefully speak to him about the way a man is meant to treat his wife.

If he insists that he does nothing wrong and whatever is wrong is her fault, or if he gets angry at the interference and takes it out on his wife, then you would have a clear sign that you are dealing with an abusive personality. However, if he is as you describe him – clueless but not evil — it’s very possible that opening his eyes can help rehabilitate this marriage. In the latter situation, the possibility exists that he will willingly go to therapy. This is even more likely if he has Asperger’s, or as the professionals prefer to call it today, is “on the spectrum,” which may be a possibility here.

In addition, as her friend, you should give her whatever support you can, be it a listening ear or any physical help you can offer. If you feel that the situation is worsening, or if you think that there are already elements of emotional abuse, then you should definitely seek the advice of a rav as to how to proceed.